Two months since I returned to Canada.

Four months since my last entry. 

Six months since I left for Hong Kong.

***

Hard to believe, another year has passed already. Every year, I repeat this, and yet I don't feel I've improved at all. All the reflection that I do on this blog does not seem to actually influence my decisions later on...

I'm glad to be home. Seeing R and my family again made me realize how much I missed it all while I was away. Even though I was completely in love with my time in Hong Kong, I can only say that it's a great place to visit, but not where I'm meant to be at this point in my life. I enjoyed the constant blur of people and the shopping and drinks, but the quiet and laid back atmosphere here is what I feel most comfortable with. 

Since returning:

February 6th, 2012: UW Chinese Drama's On Stage Production: Dream Academy! 

The weekends filled with dread and worry have finally come to an end. Having given every weekend since school started to bring together this year's group of talented students, I'm proud to say that I'm extremely happy and surprised at how far they've come since our first rehearsal this year. I honestly thought we wouldn't pull it together but we did! Ticket sales were... a little disappointing but we reached more schools than previous years! Western, Mcmaster, Guelph, Fairchild Radio... Thank you all for coming to support our production this year! Sitting on the wings and coordinating the show was stressful but nothing compares to the satisfaction you get from seeing all this come to fruition. :) Thank you Drama Club! 

***

At the moment:

Regretting all the times I chose to slack instead of get caught up with school work. Fml. Two midterms and a paper due this week... (On Valentine's Day too... TwT'') And an interview tomorrow. For the love of God, please let me do well. I really need to find a job in Toronto this term.

Just really worried about stuff at home these days... Financial stuff always makes me stressed out. That and a couple other things at the back of my mind. Here's to hoping everything will be alright. Guess it's time to turn to God again... 

Anddd... Back to work.  

Spent the afternoon at a nail salon, getting my lovely nails sanded and covered with gel. Paid a little more than I normally would but figured it would be a good splurge on my birthday...

Dinner at home, pretty normal stuff, nothing special.

Left the house at 9 to reach Lan Kwai Fong at 10 to meet up with my cousin's friends (A, J, ?). Stayed a couple hours at the Russian Bar before heading down the street for a late night snack - McDonald's! I think, on the way there, we saw Joe Cheng (from TW Drama - It Started With a Kiss) But I'm not entirely sure... The guy was pretty tall though (at least 6') and wore a cap to cover his face a bit. Would have been pretty cool if we did see him. :)

Took a taxi to Neway @ East Tsim Sha Tsui to meet up with A and C around 2:00am and stayed until 5:00am, drinking beer/white wine, playing dice and 15/20. I have to say, beer tastes absolutely horrid when it's warm. Discovered my talent at dice, my devastating faliure at 15/20 (better at mind games than reflexes apparently).

Sang a few songs and called it a night. C drove us home in this gorgeous white Porsche Panamera. Only in Hong Kong, I guess (Those things cost $1.4-2.9million HKD depending on which Panamera... @_@'')

I found this survey I did last year on my blogspot, and seeing as I have a paper to finish writing, I decided now would be the perfect time to redo the survey. Productive, yes? 

This is going to be a deep survey. Can you handle it?
Yes, I am!

Will you be a hundred percent honest ?
I hope I will be. 

Have you ever had to choose between two people, how hard was it?
I believe I have, yes. A long time ago... It was a terrible experience trying not to hurt the other person. 

Have you met anybody that changed your life?
Yes. Many from high school.

Delete a year of your life, or start over in a new town?
Start over in a new town. I would not change a thing of the past.

Do you like little kids?
Only if they promise not to be obnoxious. Cannot stand whiny little kids. 

Would you want to know the date of your death?
No. Don't like counting down the days.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I'd like to try short hair some day - would be SO much more convenient.

Does someone like you?
I would hope so.

Who pissed you off yesterday?
A, J, and R. 

You love math right?
Honestly, I would if I could actually do it. Simple arithmetic only please.

Today, did you see "that" someone that makes you smile?.
Nope. :( Won't see him for another three weeks.

Do you think you'll have a Valentine this year?
I did, but I hope I still have one next year too.

Are you one of those people who are always cold?
Only when I'm at home in Markham. But that's because the heat setting is on 16.5 C.

When was the last time you got a haircut?
A month ago; chopped off a good 6 inches. It's been growing out nicely though. :) Still didn't have the guts to get a bob. 

Is your cell phone a touch screen phone?
Yep. HTC Desire HD. :) 

Are you in High School?
Not anymore though I do miss the days when I didn't have to do anything to pass.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
Not really, usually just talking on the phone til I fall asleep. 

Which is harder, telling someone you love them or that you don't?
That I don't. Incredibly hard to see their reaction.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?
Yes.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
I certainly hope so. It's been a great 2 years already. :)

Have you ever cried in front of a friend?
Probably... Wait, yes. LOL. When I was watching PS. I Love You with roomies last term.

Has anyone ever underestimated your intelligence?
Yes... But that's because I do too. XD

List one of your fears:
Spiders. 

Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you?
Yes. 

Are you ticklish?
INCREDIBLY. But don't try me. = =''

Have you cooked anything today, if so, what?
Microwaved a frozen dinner. YEYEYE. 

Did you see the movie Avatar?
Yes I did. Last year. 

Will 2011 be better than 2010?
I certainly hope so. Gotta do better in school and find a co-op job.

Who was your last text from?
R.

Do you wear uniforms for school?
Nope!

Do you have any tabs opened up besides this one?
Yep! All for my anthropology paper that I have yet to finish...

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Yes. And wished that I could have changed the way I handled some things.

Will tomorrow be better than today?
I don't think so. Might have to stay up to finish this stupid paper. =_=''

How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
Don't think they'd approve but they wouldn't disown me over it either. 

Angry at anyone?
Does my anthropology paper count? Or maybe my prof I guess...

Is it hard to make you laugh?
Honestly? No. I can be angry one moment and laughing the next.

What if your boyfriend/girlfriend went through your cellphone?
Don't think he's the type, but I have nothing to hide. :)

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
Yes. Why ruin your lungs that way? And it smells terrible.

Do you have an attitude?
Most of the time I don't think I do. Only when I'm talking to someone I can't stand.

Do you remember who you liked this time 3 months ago?
Hell yeah.

Look in your inbox, last text from? What does it say?
R; ... :)

What could you drink any day of the week & never get tired of?
I would have to say... water. Not a big fan of drinking too many sweet beverages.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
SUMMERLICIOUS with roomies! And case study paper for PHIL215. 

Are you secretly in love with someone?
Nope.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
I wish I could be.

When people come over, do you give them a tour of your house?
Sure, just not my room :)

Who's at your house right now?
I can tell you I'm not. Probably just my brother and mom.

Do you hate the last male you had a conversation with?
No.

Is it easy for people to make you cry?
Not as of now. 

Do you have trust issues?
Not anything major.

Do you change your phone background a lot?
Nope. Still the default one. 

Been having an ongoing "discussion" with R lately about texting during the day. I feel like there hasn't been enough communication during the day and sometimes it just gets to me since the only other time I get to talk to him is at night before I sleep. And sometimes, by the end of the day, I just don't have the energy to keep up a decent conversation for more than 30 minutes. I feel like I'm beginning to become that "clingy girlfriend" that I so fear. I particularly dislike having to voice that I'm unhappy with the arrangement. True, I love having the freedom. But sometimes, even I want to feel like I'm actually going out with someone. 

I think that the thing that bothers me the most and is fueling my negativity is because I have courses in the summer and he's off from school. It feels like he has more time to spend now that he's not studying and should therefore be able to reply me instantaneously or something... Am I asking for too much? 

I just want to keep this relationship going... If complaining will cause a rift, I would rather keep quiet next time.

Procrastinating when I should be working my ass off to finish my PD2 report due Tuesday. Only 10 pages out of the approximate 16 done... Ai, I have no idea when I'll ever finish this nightmare. 

Anyhow, just wanted to jot down a few thoughts I had for future reference. 

Funny how every single time I return to Xanga is because there's something going on in life that I can't deal with on my own. ...Like now. I feel like life is too suffocating sometimes and I need a breather from everything that's rushing by me. 

Getting to the point now - I hate my job. I hate Waterloo.

Honesly, hate is such a strong word that I try not to use it so often. But I can't take living in here anymore... 5 weeks since I've been home. I miss Markham like crazy and I feel like just about everything in Waterloo is shitty. 

Fuck. My laptop battery needs to be replaced and it costs about a hundred bucks to replace the damn thing. Why the hell do batteries need to be so expensive? Build them to last, damn it. Don't tell me to "Consider replacing your battery."

Relationship problems are starting to arise. The more tired I become, the more I screw up. I make promises I can't keep, say things I don't think through, cross lines that are so obvious to everyone else. What the hell is wrong with me, really? I can't do a single thing right and it horrifies me. I don't want to become someone I so despise... Lately, it just seems like a lot of my peers are ending their relationships and it makes me think of mine. What exactly is this relationship that I'm holding so tightly? Where do I see it going? What values do we share - or don't share? Where's the deal breaker? 

Is it because I miss him? Or is it because I'm just thinking too much and scaring myself with these thoughts? What's more terrifying is the thought that he's become so large a part of my life that I can't bring myself to imagine the hole that would exist if he was to leave... When did I open myself so willingly and place all my trust in this one person? Since when did I finally let my walls down and let him see me for who I am? The terrible personality behind this outer shell I try so hard to maintain. I'm not always the cheerful front I put up. I'm just another insecure girl who hides behind forced laughter and a joking demeanor. ...I don't want to let it all go. 

I don't want to disappoint him when he's opened himself to me too. I don't want to let him know how much I actually care, how much I hate screwing up when he's involved. I'm just so tired... of being this useless person I can't change.